


Balance

by leviathanchronicles



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Coming Out, Companion Piece, Gay Michael Mell, Gen, Misgendering, Trans Michael Mell, Unrequited Love, it's before michael comes out and it's very mild but i wanted to warn people, yes it's unrequited but he's okay!!, you don't have to read tool to read this one!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-17 03:29:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13068180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leviathanchronicles/pseuds/leviathanchronicles
Summary: "It’s the summer before junior year when he comes out as trans, and when that conversation goes well, he’s riding too high on his relief to keep from admitting that he’s like, totally into Jeremy."A companion piece to The Only One Left.





	Balance

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! I'm home for the holidays and trying to get some gift fics + commissions done. Which somehow resulted in me writing this totally self-gratifying thing. I love the boyfs, don't get me wrong, but like...I also love exploring unrequited things. Also, I wanted a coming out story that was kind of a Funny Mess. Much more relatable, I feel.  
> Important info and links are on my profile, so check those out if you're interested! As always, I love hearing commentary--tell me what you liked, tell me what I need to work on, tell me what you were procrastinating on by reading this, whatever!

Michael Mell is sixteen years old and staring at his best friend like staring will somehow make this conversation easier. 

So far, he’s come out to nobody--unless you count the many, many times in the last few months that he’s made the announcement to his own reflection, as if this would make it easier when he’s actually talking to someone. 

The two are perched on bean bag chairs, with Michael visibly pulling away from Jeremy. Jeremy notices this, too, but he doesn’t try to move closer--sometimes, Michael needs his space (physically, that is--he’s rarely content with emotional isolation), and every day he’s grateful that Jeremy’s gotten that memo. They’ve been like this for a full minute now, the shift in position ignited by Michael pausing their video games and proclaiming “we need to talk!” with all the confidence of one who doesn’t actually want to talk at all.

Jeremy is the first to break the stalemate, voice cracking as he lays his fear out. “Did I do something wrong?” 

Seeing Jeremy, whose hands are nearly shaking, pulls Michael out of his own fear. It’s a symbol of his affection for Jeremy that seeing the other fret is enough to calm him down; the desire to help Jeremy is more important to him than his own nerves. With this new fuel, he leans back into Jeremy’s airspace, apologies bursting through before he’s even moved.

“No! No, you didn’t do anything wrong, this is just--it’s hard for me.” He hasn’t even said the actual words yet, but he closes his eyes regardless, forcing a breath through airways that feel like they’re closing. When he opens them again, Jeremy is a tiny bit closer, correctly ascertaining that Michael’s issues with space had been replaced with issues with isolation. Despite how much he wants to relax around his best friend, Michael only leans away again, trying to hide how his heart races. Jeremy gets the message and pulls back, once again meeting Michael’s exact needs.

This demonstration of friendship somehow only makes Michael more nervous. He knows it’s irrational, but he feels like their entire relationship is only seconds away from being knocked off balance--one of them will lean away at the wrong time, and everything will topple. It doesn’t help that this conversation is very much a big deal, one he’d been planning to have for an extremely long time. 

He holds the silence a few moments longer, waiting for his breathing to truly fall even--waiting for the scale to fall back into the center. Eyes closed again, Michael bites his lip and finally blurts it out. “I’m gay. I mean--I like guys.”

As soon as he speaks, he notices the issue here, and he deals with the irritation of it by groaning. He can feel Jeremy shift beside him, but he keeps his eyes closed. The earlier belief that eye contact would help is long gone now--he said things in the wrong order, and now he’s going to have to fix the situation. 

Jeremy, to his credit, is trying to help. “So, you like guys...too? You like both?” 

Unfortunately for Michael, this isn’t something Jeremy’s likely to just stumble on, but he’s too mortified to just remedy the situation. His voice cracks, and his closed eyes threaten to fill with tears, but he gets the words out. “No, I--only guys, I only like guys.”

“I think that’s called being straight.”

Even though it isn’t intentional, that hurts, too; for once, though, the misgendering issue only encourages Michael to fix the situation. He’d come this far without Jeremy laughing in his face; perhaps it’s time to admit he wouldn’t. He opens his eyes, tears still at the ready, and speaks as deliberately as he can. “I’m trans. I’m a guy. And I like guys, so--I’m gay.” 

Jeremy just stares at him, dumbfounded, and Michael panics again. He’s just starting to explain himself when Jeremy holds out his hand as if in introduction.

“I’m Jeremy. I don’t think I caught your name.” That is, Jeremy holds out his hand, definitely in introduction.

Michael laughs, a chuckle that quickly forms into a full on fit. “That is--such a dad joke, dude.” Jeremy does his best to keep a straight face, but his lips quirk at the corners. By the time Michael finally takes his hand, they’re both laughing. “Michael. My name is Michael.”

The laughter dies down, and Jeremy smiles, leaning against Michael. The two have more or less migrated onto Michael’s bean bag, half on it and half on the floor, and they hold each other there for a moment.. When Jeremy speaks, it’s reverent but marked with bubbling giggles. “Michael. I like it--it suits you.”

“Well, it is my name.”

“It is.”

Michael had been expecting more, really; he’d built this conversation up so much that it felt anticlimactic for it to be done so quickly. It is a combination of this and his own insecurities that leads him to his next question. “So like--it isn’t weird?”

“Of course it’s not weird--you’re weird, but it isn’t.” Jeremy lets his head fall on Michael’s, and he strikes the perfect balance between sincerity and blatant teasing. 

Michael sighs and brings his gaze up in Jeremy’s direction. All he really gets in return is the beginnings of a headache, and he returns his gaze to the wall before speaking. The words slip through his lips, but they’re hardly accidental. “I love you.”

“I love you too, man.”

Michael notices how the new nickname catches on Jeremy’s mouth at first, but he doesn’t mind, really--the fact that he’s willing to try is enough, for now. The fact that he’s willing to try is what encourages Michael to continue. “I mean I love you. I’m like, in love with you.”

For the first time since the conversation started, it is Jeremy who pulls away first, leaving Michael suddenly very aware of how crowded this bean bag is. Though it’s Jeremy that breaks contact, it’s Michael that moves to the ground. It only takes one glance at Jeremy--furrowed brow, lip between his teeth--to give him an answer, and instantly, the tears he’s been holding back win.

Jeremy is hardly fit to handle people crying, but he does his best, leaning over the plastic material of the chair. The way he pats Michael’s back is awkward, to say the least, but neither of them want to point that out. For a moment, Michael worries he’ll have to speak first, but Jeremy obliges. 

“Michael--” And the name rolls off his tongue, as if it’s the only one he’d ever used. “I love you, I do, but--not like that.” He pauses, no doubt waiting for any kind of reaction. When Michael doesn’t grant it, he continues, almost desperately. “ I’m really sorry. Really--you’re great, and--”

Michael just nods, head bobbing up and down until Jeremy stops talking and he comes back to himself. When he’s calmed down, he scoots over, letting Jeremy’s hand falls into the empty space between them. “Don’t be, it’s alright. I just--I just threw that on you.” Despite his words, it’s obvious he isn’t alright; his voice cracks worse than his companion’s, and he can already feel tears leaving a trail on his face and dissolving under his shirt.

Jeremy notices, of course, but he doesn’t try to respond. Again, Michael is grateful that Jeremy can read him so well; he uses the silence to wipe away tears and calm himself down. He’s an ugly crier, and he can feel splotches growing on his face, but those are easy to ignore; when he turns to look at Jeremy again, it’s almost like he hadn’t cried at all.

“You really are a great friend, you know.” Part of it is a matter of taking control of the situation--if Jeremy calls them friends, it’ll just embarrass and hurt Michael even more, but if Michael does it, it’s because he wants to. That doesn’t mean it isn’t true, though; he has no idea who he would be if Jeremy wasn’t by his side. 

“I learned from the best.”

“And--I don’t want this to change anything, you know? Great friends have to stay great friends, even if it means dealing with each other’s stupid crushes.” This is punctuated with a smirk as Michael alludes to Jeremy’s own feelings for one Christine Canigula, feelings he’d had to hear about for months. 

Jeremy snorts, but he blushes, too. “Sorry, I know it’s annoying.” As he responds, he slides down off the bean bag, leaning on Michael again.

Michael doesn’t lean away. 


End file.
